Balance

I do not pretend to know how this rat race of life is supposed to be run...I just know that I am supposed to run this race to win. I don't know if taking some pit stops and scenic byways is really part of that winning attitude, but sometimes those are more rejuvenating and exciting than the race itself.

This past year and a half, I have found myself doing a large amount of personal introspection and overall pondering about my purpose and passion. I think that, for me anyway, it is important to get the purpose part figured out and understood before I can really move forward with determining, cultivating and living out my passion.

As I am living day to day, I don't really see a whole lot of things that jump out as being important or worthy of remembering. However, as I think back now, it is amazing to see how so many things have been working together towards an end goal.

18 months ago, I began to be very unsettled in my church life. I was beginning to attend services out of obligation and the feeling of guilt that I wasn't doing something I should be doing. I would go to things just to see people and to play with my friends' kids. Really, not the best reason to go to church. The motives were just not pure and honest. God started to stir up ideas in my mind about stepping out of the comfort zone of the church I'd been attending for nearly 10 years. Of course I didn't see this as a call to move on, but as a call to see what else was out there in the way of ministries and opportunities for service.

Throughout my 2-3 months of church shopping/covert ministry spying, I found another church body that spoke life into my worn out soul. I knew that I needed something fresh and new to me and in small steps, He led me to the place where He wanted me to be. It was most definitely not an easy decision and it was very difficult emotionally to let go of the lives that I was invested in and those that had invested in me for so long. But I was miserable and I was spreading that to those around me; not at all what He wants for His children.

It has been about 11 months since I went on a 3 day personal revitalization weekend...some would call it a retreat, but it was too structured for it to be considered that. It was one of those things that in the moment isn't the most comfortable places to be, but in thinking back on it, I see how God has his fingers in the midst of that time - with the people that were involved in all aspects of it and in reminding me throughout the year the things that He was beginning to whisper to me and seeds He was planting in the past 28 1/2 years of my life.

The background behind "The Loudest Introvert" began when I was in a group of 30 women I'd never met before and I had to describe myself. This was the only thing that came to mind. For the most part I do appear to be quite extroverted and loud...but my inner being is very much a reserved introvert that has to have so much alone time to balance out the small amounts of time that I spend in the midst of groups of people...even 1-0n-1 or 1-on-2 groups can be draining.

In writing this blog, I am working towards honesty with my friends, myself, and with God. I will freely admit that I have many different facades and masks that I wear. I can adapt fairly easily in so many different situations. I can appear to be comfortable, but inside I am miserable and uneasy. I don't trust very easily and it is difficult for me to be honest because I am afraid. Afraid that my true thoughts and feelings will be used against me and they won't be good enough for someone to appreciate who I really am.

I am on this journey to figure out who I am and who I need to be. Again, that requires some sort of balance.

Maybe I need to learn to be light-hearted and funny so that this blog has a little balance to it and it isn't just filled with heavy thoughts!

I will continue to post randomly as I have time to process through things. God has richly blessed me with many different people that are challenging me to think about my life, my faith, and my God. As those relationships are fostered and more questions are pondered, I'll try to post my thoughts here for the world to see.

Counting the days to relaxation a.k.a. Spring Break: 9 calendar days, 6 1/2 school days