2 weeks later...

So, it's been 2 weeks since I last wrote. Life has been interesting. I went from being in the midst of 10 days away from work on Spring Break back into the craziness and chaos that is the 4th 9 weeks of the school year.

Also, little Stellan of MckMama's family has been very sick with a heart problem that he had in utero, but that was thought to have been healed from. The fact that I have been praying for this family and this 4 month old little boy that I've never met is such an amazing thing. Who would have thought that tens of thousands of people would be brought to their knees by such a young child - well, I guess Jesus talked about children a lot, I shouldn't be so surprised.

I have been trying to figure out what it is that I am supposed to be doing in life - oh, I have plenty of things that I'd like to do, but so many are contingent on other people...you know, like marriage, having children, etc. I just don't feel that contentment in life that I've been having. I don't know if I'm just now realizing that I'm not content or if I am just coming into this season of life. Now is not the time to be thinking about job or house changes...I sign on my new refinancing loan tomorrow! Going to get this house paid off in just 15 short years!

I am just sick of being so "alone" - and this can be a physical alone or the emotional one...just depends on the day. There are times when I am just sick of people, but for the most part I am just tired of the mundane routine that is my life - I want there to be life in my house to come home to - and not just Deacon, even though he's pretty dang cute!

We had a strange spring snow last weekend that allowed for a shortened school day on Friday, but it also cancelled the weekend trip to Kansas City I was going to take with BJ and ladies from her church. I guess it's a good thing that we didn't go, but at the same time I was looking for time away from my life here and was ready for some intense time with godly women teaching from His Word.

Latest movie I watched: "Bolt"...highly recommend it. If you loved "Kung Fu Panda", you'll like this one. There are several uses of the word "awesome" in this movie. So, if that word annoys you, this is NOT the movie for you to see! Or if you have something against animated, talking animals...again, not the movie for you. I would recommend watching it with someone else - there's just something about laughing WITH someone instead of laughing out loud by yourself and wondering if you'll ever get a life.

I am thinking about trying to get motivated to jump in with my friend, Jason, and his pals with a weight loss deal. I'm only a month behind the rest of them! :) I haven't fully committed...just pondering the benefits of it, but not sure if I'm yet willing to actually work at it!

Okay, I think that is about as random as I can convince myself to be at this point in time. I praise Him that He is in the midst of all things even if I can't see or feel that He is there.

Blessings!

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.


Okay, I'm going to TRY to do something that I have pondered doing for a year - join the weekly blog carnival from MckMama that allows honest sharing in a reverse psychology fashion...I'm going to try - not that I have done or not done anything interesting this week.

Let's see, this week I did not:

- have a couple of people stop in front of my house and ask if I was having a garage sale based on the amount of stuff that was in my yard. I am a neat freak and would never let my front yard look like a flea market!

- make an appointment to see the doctor and then less than 24 hours later COMPLETELY forget about the appt. and not go - I am young and have a GREAT memory, I am not forgetful!

- disobey doctor's orders to not walk on my foot for a week or longer and then turn around and do a 4-hour long garage clean-out followed by grocery shopping.

- do a little happy dance in the principal's office after an encouraging tenure evaluation - I am a professional and would never act a little crazy.

-start planning away every minute of my Spring Break...there is no way that I wanted to spend any quality time with my couch and pjs this week.

- go to 2 worship services back-to-back at CCC to listen to my friend, BJ, sing a song she wrote...in front of thousands of people. I would never have friends that are that talented and blessed!


Okay, guess that is all that I haven't done this week. We'll see if there is anything this coming week worth posting. Feel free to join in Not Me Monday!!!

Balance

I do not pretend to know how this rat race of life is supposed to be run...I just know that I am supposed to run this race to win. I don't know if taking some pit stops and scenic byways is really part of that winning attitude, but sometimes those are more rejuvenating and exciting than the race itself.

This past year and a half, I have found myself doing a large amount of personal introspection and overall pondering about my purpose and passion. I think that, for me anyway, it is important to get the purpose part figured out and understood before I can really move forward with determining, cultivating and living out my passion.

As I am living day to day, I don't really see a whole lot of things that jump out as being important or worthy of remembering. However, as I think back now, it is amazing to see how so many things have been working together towards an end goal.

18 months ago, I began to be very unsettled in my church life. I was beginning to attend services out of obligation and the feeling of guilt that I wasn't doing something I should be doing. I would go to things just to see people and to play with my friends' kids. Really, not the best reason to go to church. The motives were just not pure and honest. God started to stir up ideas in my mind about stepping out of the comfort zone of the church I'd been attending for nearly 10 years. Of course I didn't see this as a call to move on, but as a call to see what else was out there in the way of ministries and opportunities for service.

Throughout my 2-3 months of church shopping/covert ministry spying, I found another church body that spoke life into my worn out soul. I knew that I needed something fresh and new to me and in small steps, He led me to the place where He wanted me to be. It was most definitely not an easy decision and it was very difficult emotionally to let go of the lives that I was invested in and those that had invested in me for so long. But I was miserable and I was spreading that to those around me; not at all what He wants for His children.

It has been about 11 months since I went on a 3 day personal revitalization weekend...some would call it a retreat, but it was too structured for it to be considered that. It was one of those things that in the moment isn't the most comfortable places to be, but in thinking back on it, I see how God has his fingers in the midst of that time - with the people that were involved in all aspects of it and in reminding me throughout the year the things that He was beginning to whisper to me and seeds He was planting in the past 28 1/2 years of my life.

The background behind "The Loudest Introvert" began when I was in a group of 30 women I'd never met before and I had to describe myself. This was the only thing that came to mind. For the most part I do appear to be quite extroverted and loud...but my inner being is very much a reserved introvert that has to have so much alone time to balance out the small amounts of time that I spend in the midst of groups of people...even 1-0n-1 or 1-on-2 groups can be draining.

In writing this blog, I am working towards honesty with my friends, myself, and with God. I will freely admit that I have many different facades and masks that I wear. I can adapt fairly easily in so many different situations. I can appear to be comfortable, but inside I am miserable and uneasy. I don't trust very easily and it is difficult for me to be honest because I am afraid. Afraid that my true thoughts and feelings will be used against me and they won't be good enough for someone to appreciate who I really am.

I am on this journey to figure out who I am and who I need to be. Again, that requires some sort of balance.

Maybe I need to learn to be light-hearted and funny so that this blog has a little balance to it and it isn't just filled with heavy thoughts!

I will continue to post randomly as I have time to process through things. God has richly blessed me with many different people that are challenging me to think about my life, my faith, and my God. As those relationships are fostered and more questions are pondered, I'll try to post my thoughts here for the world to see.

Counting the days to relaxation a.k.a. Spring Break: 9 calendar days, 6 1/2 school days